The life I dreamed of living.

There was this time in my life about 20 years ago, when all I wanted to do was marry a farmer.  {sigh}  What was I thinking?! 

My high-school boyfriend was a farm boy who worked hard and lived a life that seemed ideal in my mind.  One that required dedication, long hours, and a chance to be outside most of the time.  My dad was a teacher, and our family spent the summers vacationing, traveling around the Northwest, and  setting up our large tent on any given weekend.  We golfed, swam at the local golf course pool, and seemed to be living an average life in our small rural town. I never really had a love for animals, but the idea of living in the country on a dirt road in a home with a large front porch always seemed appealing.  Having a taste of town life and bits of country life was perfect.  I liked what I had, but still dreamed of what I didn't.

Our relationship didn't last far into college, but the desire to live a life tied with agriculture, wheel lines, fences to climb, and machinery to drive still seemed optimal to me. Several of my friends were farm kids, my cousins were dairy farmers, and every book I checked out from the public library was western fiction with heroes of cowboys, ranchers, and/or farmers.  I was destined to live this life.

Fast-forward 20 years and here I am.  I live on a small ranching operation with my cattleman, two boys, several dogs, horses, and lots of cows & calves.  I teach school, love to cook, have several hundred acres, a view worth millions, and a semi-clean home - which would appear to be the ideal life according to my best game of MARSH played at the age of 16.  I think the original game was called MASH, but I changed it to MARSH because I wanted to live on a ranch.  {sigh}

I've learned to drive pickups with trailers, feed trucks, and have set my mind to be able to drive the loader tractor by the end of the summer.  {what in the world am I thinking?}  I've also learned that the work never ends.  Never.  I teach school by day, and do my best to be a rancher's wife by night and early morning.  There is nothing really ideal about it - especially in the world we live in today, but I know it's the life I'm destined to live well.  What a person does with the life they've found themselves in is key to their joy, and I'd like to think I have joy overflowing - but in all reality, I think I may just have little drops of joy scattered here and there, in hopes of it turning into a flood.

It's a life where schedules aren't followed, appointments are rescheduled often, extra money buys boots, tires, & cows, and the to-do list is never checked off.  There are no holidays, and snow days off of school only mean we all work, instead of just Ian working.  Laundry is dirtier than most - and not on purpose, meals are later, money is tighter, and weather is prayed over hourly.

Farming and ranching isn't just a job.  It's a lifestyle.  It's one you are committed to every hour of every day even when you're not there.  There isn't any leaving your work at the office, there isn't much down time, and when one season ends, another one has just begun.  It requires faith and trust in things & people that are totally out of our control, and it makes you appreciate sunny days, rainy days, and even cold, crisp days in ways you never thought possible.

They say that the grass is always greener, and it might actually be, but until you're living the lifestyle for yourself - day in and day out {and not just on the fun days} do you see the true gift that it is to call yourself a part of this community of people.  A community of people that live and breathe cows, hay, tractors, and fence posts.  A community of people that get it, get you, and see the hope that keeps you all moving forward.

There are lots of days where we watch and pray that we're making the right choice, that we sold at the right time, that we're getting the best deal, and the decisions we are making today will help our boys in 20 years. We try not to worry, we keep our heads held high, and we keep ourselves upright by leaning on that which is meant to hold us up - each other, and God ... and an occasional fence or two.

I shake my head about every other day in disbelief of the fact I'm here.  I'm sitting in a home filled with boots, Wranglers, ropes, occasional mice, and a whole bunch of love.  I'm teaching school the best I know how, planning small trips for me & the boys over the summer, and supporting my husband continually.  His head has been in his hands a lot this year.  He's tired, he's hurting a bit, but most importantly he's providing a life I always dreamed of having.

Dreams don't always come true.

Some change midstream.

Some even turn into nightmares.

Thankfully, mine is a dream worth living.  A dream with a knight in shining armor {cowboy boots and a sorting stick} making his way through one pen of cattle at a time.  A man who works harder than anyone I know, who has learned to say no to even {good} things, and who is teaching our boys how to live a life with character that defines you in the best kind of way.

So when any given day comes to an end and the moon begins to shine, I step outside, look around and pinch myself.  This life I dreamed of is mine.  Not totally the way I imagined it to be, but completely worth every tear I've shed doing my best to live it.

spring break with Mack.

Dear Mack,

Thank you for loving the simple things in life like dirt, toy tractors, and just being outside!

Thank you for smiling more often than frowning right now.

You are creative, content to play by yourself, and continually making us laugh at your one-liners.

You don't care if your pants are high-waters, or if your shirt is tucked in, and you'd rather not wear a hat if you are given the choice.

Your freckles make me smile. I hope you love how beautiful they make you. They're like stars in the sky - each one a gift to the darkness of the world.

You love to paint and create things, but are still protesting letter writing & recognition.  Go figure.

You're a thinker, a dreamer, a {heart on your sleeve} kind of boy ... and very thoughtful in all you do.

You like us to listen to your stories, but are often found talking to yourself and your toys.  {I love that about you}.

You love indoor picnics, apple slices, cheese & crackers, and a good movie.

Thank you for filling our world with so much color - laughter - and {guess whats?!}.

You make the world better by being here ~ and you made our spring break happy in every sort of way in 2013.  The year of cleaning, purging, sorting, and still finding time to paint the world with color!

I love you ~  Mom

3 gifts round.

The buds were round.  They were days away from popping with color and life.  The fullness of life about to burst.

I touched them with my fingers that day in March.  They were round and full and a bit  mysterious too.

I waned to be like them - days away from bursting into something new.

I never thought I'd want to be labeled as {round} ... but lately, I've felt like I've needed it etched in the dash of my car, embroidered on my pillow case, and even written on my undershirts.

5 big letters ... r.o.u.n.d.

Because when things are round, they're full. It's what they're full of that can be the gift or the curse.

A full calendar.

A full stomach.

A full house.

A full inbox.

A full _________.

The thing I think we have to be careful with is filling our lives with the wrong kinds of things, the wrong use of time, and the even the wrong people sometimes.  Good isn't always great.  I want great.

That's where the difference between round and full meet.

Round is having every part of the surface or circumference equidistant from the center.   Did you catch that?  The center is the key ... and in my world, the center is Christ.  If He's not equidistant from all that I do and say, I'm not really full of the right kinds of things. One part should not out-weigh the rest ... but oh, how there have been days and seasons when the bulge of my head has put me in the category of bobble-head anonymous. 

When your head is outweighing your heart, there's a problem.

I have a problem. I had suddenly gone from round to full & bulging and I didn't know how I had gotten there.

Full means you're lacking nothing, you're satisfied.  You're enjoying all privileges, have an abundance of all that matters, and completely occupied.  The list of definitions went on and on, and as I read word after word, my mind started spinning. In fact, I may have even shouted these two words:

I like the word full, and in fact, my life has been defined by myself and others as {full}on numerous occasions.  Full of much, full of faith, full of ______.

But as I read the words that define {full}, my heart began to ache.  I want a full life, but more than that, I want a round life.  The two go together, but the difference in my mind is that one is bursting at the seams with good, and the other is centered with something great. 

So, over the course of the remainder of this season & chapter I'm living right now, I'm going to pray for fullness, but even more than that, I'm going to pray that this life I'm living and helping my family to live will be round.

Round, and filled with a light that radiates just the right amount of everything, but not an abundance of anything that keeps us from {rolling} with it.

Round like the sun, giving life to those that need it most, and bursting with a light that reflects the greatness that only God can give.

I'm going to pray this for you as well.

For a center that keeps you rolling and a chance to be more than just {full} ... because if you've read this far, you're laughing at the last picture, but you're also wanting something more than just good your life too.