the spring break when I went away and came back better.

Home was now in my rear view mirror. I had packed one bag of clothes, one tote of books, & my journal. I had a cap, a headband, my rain coat, a pair of flip-flops, and the Keds I've worn for nearly 15 years. The wheat was waving me on from the field to my left. I pushed the mirror upward, turned on the radio and my phone off, and pressed down on the gas pedal with just a bit more force than usual.

 The dishwasher was running and the last load of clothes was in the dryer. I had made the beds, folded socks, and made sure there was enough milk in the fridge for at least another day. I wasn't running away, or maybe I was. When was the last time I went somewhere by myself? No agenda, no timeline, and no reason not to go. I couldn't remember.

Ian had assured me early that morning that driving west for 4+ hours was the right thing to do. He kissed me goodbye, loaded the boys into the pickup, and left for Terell's branding. I stood in my house, with my bags at my feet and wondered if everyone longs for this. For moments when the people you love most are telling you to go. The moments when they know you need to be away. The days that lead up to them sensing you need space, and sand, and a hill to climb by yourself. In fact those amazingly wonderful people that love you so very well (even when you're not that lovable), those are the people who are gifts straight from God - who often seem to know you better than you know yourself.

They see your brokenness. They feel your exhaustion. They know that leaving won't make everything perfect again, but that it will give you the place to be still and rest.

Jennifer Dukes Lee wrote this: "In our culture of to-do lists and commitments, family obligations, and chasing our dreams, it can be hard to know how and when to “be still.” Where do we start? What does it look like to “be still,” and what can God do in our lives when we choose to listen to His quiet whispers in this loud world that can make us feel like we have to do it all?"

What I learned during my 4 days away is that there are times in life when you have to be (and need to be) away from something for awhile to truly appreciate it - even if it is only for just a few days. Those few days can be game changers. And for me, they were. The book I finished on the couch under a blanket with stitched sea shells this week affirmed that for me with this one simple sentence:

"Sometimes we have to leave home in order to find out what we left there, and why it matters so much." - Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

And what I really feel after being away and reading this book is that space is probably one of the best things you can give yourself when you're tired and worn out. Space ... where your soul and stillness meet face to face with God introducing you to each other for the 87th time. That place where there is no laundry, the only dishes to do are your own, and no one cares if you sleep until 10:30 or not. That period of time when Jesus seems alive and real and present because you're taking the time to simply slow down, be quiet, and find yourself again.

"Stillness is the inner peace you experience when you brush up against the Kingdom of God, being built within you right now. It’s what happens when you remember that you are a child of light. It happens when you remember that you are a treasure, apart from the nonsense your inner critic tells you. Stillness is what happens when you let go of self-criticism and live unabashedly beloved. It happens when we take more time to count graces than catalog grudges. And it happens even in this crazy, chaotic world. Because true stillness happens apart from our circumstances." - J. Dukes Lee

Being still and getting away wasn't a choice I had planned out for weeks. It wasn't a vacation I was anticipating. It was a "pack your bags, make a few phone calls, and go because you need to go" kind of decision.

I'm home now.

I spent 4 days sleeping in, eating well, reading, walking, and watching mindless TV programs. The waves kept my mind from wandering. I couldn't hear much besides the crashing water against the sandy shore as I walked for miles, but what I did hear was God's whisper in the wind through the dune grass that this thing called stillness needs to be first and foremost daily, not just in the moments where it comes easy. I must set aside time to experience His quiet presence. This was not new news to me, but I think I was finally listening.

Not everyone has the gift of writing, or the gift of listening, or the gift of finding contentment in being alone, but to rediscover what gifts and talents you do have, that is the best thing you can give yourself. And I think you have to be willing to get away from the normal to see life for what it really is. I think you have to admit that you're not in a place or space that is healthy, and I think you need be faced with fact that you need time with Jesus.

I gave myself a gift this week. I said yes to something outside the box, and through that, everyone in my world gained something better. They gained a rested, peaceful, dreamer in this 5'8" frame whose eyes are seeing things differently for the first time in months.